Be Kind, Rewind
by Ink-About-It
Summary: "Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go." After 13 years of wifeship, it sinks. (Established AU)
1. Blow Me

**Disclaimer** **: **Rizzoli & Isles is Tess Gerittsen's baby, adopted by Janet Tamaro and is currently in a serious relationship with Turner Network Television. The English language is pretty much public domain though. I hope.

* * *

**1. Blow Me (One Last Kiss)**

Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.

– _Unknown_

* * *

Angela tip-toes downstairs wielding a toy baseball bat at the sound of the front door opening and closing shut.

"Oh, Maura." She's surprised to see her, even though this is her home. "You're early. Is everything okay?" she asks, concerned.

Maura can't bring herself to do more than smile at Angela's automatic jump to ridiculous conclusions whenever Maura does anything out of the ordinary. Although she appreciates the woman's caring nature, she's both too physically and emotionally drained from the events of the day. Shedding her winter coat she opts for an obvious change in subject. "Where are the kids?"

"I just put Abby to sleep," Angela smiles fondly, placing the plaything against the wall. "The other three are out back making snowmen." The Boston-Italian mother of three never thought that she'd be blessed with grandchildren before she kicked the bucket, but not only does she have four beautiful grandkids, and a wonderful daughter-in-law to boot, all of them are thanks to her only daughter who never showed any interest whatsoever in marriage or having kids, or even women as far as Angela is concerned. Speaking of whom, "Where's Janie?" she asks.

Maura sighs having hoped to avoid that particular topic. Undoing her scarf she says, "She told me to tell you she'll be staying at Frankie's."

At the robotic tone of Maura's statement, Ma Rizzoli is provoked to start snooping. "Are they watching another game?" she asks as she follows the younger woman into the kitchen.

"Possibly," is Maura's short reply. She had hoped to make it to her room unnoticed to avoid the Italian Inquisition, but Angela's keen sense of hearing is unmatched by anyone's stealth.

"Well, I know they both prefer the TV over _here_… because it's _bigger_, so…" she leaves the sentence open-ended to encourage any forthcoming comments, but after a few moments of Maura distractedly shuffling about around the kitchen, she decides to get to the nitty-gritty. "Did you two have another fight?"

"No," answers Maura without a pause in her movements.

"Then what's wrong?"

"For once, we actually _agreed_ on something."

"Wanna talk about it, sweetie?" offers the mother-in-law finding it hard to read her daughter with her back facing her.

With a sniffle, Maura shrugs her shoulders. "There isn't much to say, Angela."

In her haste, she accidentally knocks a mug over and it comes crashing down on the tiled kitchen floor with an earth-shattering sound, as if to symbolize the opening of the floodgates of emotion Maura has kept under lock and key for so, so long.

She starts bawling and drops to her knees with a dish cloth attempting to gather the broken pieces only to find that it's the Happy Father's Day mug that the kids had gotten Jane as a joke a few years ago. Jane loves this mug. And now Maura has ruined it.

Everything she touches seems to break. The mug feels like a metaphor for her life at the moment. She cries harder.

Angela's hand stops Maura's actions. She embraces her daughter.

"Shh… It'll be okay. Come, I'll clean it up. You just relax for now."

Angela leads Maura to the couch and goes back to sweep the kitchen floor before anyone steps on something and loses a toe. She makes some hot cocoa for the both of them.

* * *

_Earlier…_

_The couch is comfortable and spacious, but at the moment it feels too small; confining, almost oppressive._

_Jane has her hair fisted in her hands, back hunched over as her elbows rest on her parted knees. She is silently fuming at the edge of her seat, staring at her gun and badge which lay next to their cellphones and the two cups of untouched, lukewarm beverages on the otherwise empty coffee table._

_Prompted by the exhale of an exaggerated sigh from Jane, Maura stops bouncing her high-heeled foot, re-crosses her legs and sits up straighter, but she continues toying with her ring. She doesn't realize she's doing it. She's too anxious._

_Jane lets her tangled hair slip through her fingers so she can cross her arms, and then leans until her back hits the couch with a satisfying puff._

_Maura picks off a bit of imperceptible lint from her skirt. She politely smiles at the woman jotting furiously on her notepad, the scribbling pen their only reprieve from the deafening silence._

_Prrr! The timer goes off, reanimating the room's occupants. But before Jane can get up to leave, the Diane Keaton look-alike shrink speaks._

"_Well," she starts rather merrily, "I think we've made some progress. Sitting on the same couch, for one." The doctor gestures between the two women __and emits a __nervous __laugh before glancing at her doodles- uh, 'notes'. "I think we're getting closer to the root of the problem here, but the sooner we get to it, the sooner we can uproot it and, in it's place, plant a happier, healthier marriage plant that can withstand the test of time. Like a cactus! Wait, no that won't work. I'll have to get back to you on that one."_

_Jane rolls her eyes as the therapist flaps and flails her hands in rhythm with her speech, as if the one can't be heard, perceived or understood without the other. Even though her own heritage bestowed that habit upon her too, Jane finds it annoying._

"_Maybe, to accelerate the process, during our next session we should practise using our words? Any words at all, really. Same time next week?" she asks rhetorically having already penciled them in for their next ten appointments. Even after 2 months of regular therapy sessions, this couple is clearly nowhere near enjoying the fruits of a happy and healthy marriage plant._

"_That won't be necessary," Maura answers for them both, securing her handbag around her shoulder. Jane ignores them as she secures her own accessories, feeling more comfortable with the weight of her gun on her hip._

"_Oh, I understand. Things can get fairly busy for you around the holidays, I assume. The next week then?"_

_The doctor always makes assumptions. Maura disapproves of that._

"_We won't be requiring your services any longer, Dr. Zoolander. But thank you for your time." Maura smiles politely and reaches for her phone at the same time as Jane._

_Their fingers brush, sending a cold chill down their spines. Jane jerks away, phone in hand, and clears her throat._

"_What she means is that," Jane says, throwing her blazer on, "we're getting a divorce."_

"_A di- divorce?" Dr. Zoolander almost chokes on the word._

_Never in her 15 years as the top marriage counselor in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts has she not been successful in helping her clients reconnect and continue their lives happily ever after. Detective and Doctor Rizzoli have certainly ruined that, and the worst part is that she doesn't even know what their actual problem is. _

"_Yep. See you around, Doc. Thanks for the…" Jane thinks back to any way at all these sessions have helped her or her marriage. She draws a blank. "…coffee."_

_With a final courteous nod from Maura, the pair shut the door behind them._

_After about a minute of dumbfounded silence, Dr. Zoolander instructs her receptionist to cancel all her appointments for the rest of the day. She needs time to regroup and mourn the loss of her 100% success rate. As she pulls out the hidden flask from her desk's bottom drawer and takes a sip, wincing, she's both disappointed and relieved to have this be her last session with them._

_Thinking back, her first impression of the Rizzolis was that they were complete opposites._

_Jane, with her brooding presence and partiality for caustic cynicism, seemed to always be on the edge of either losing her temper or bursting out in bitter laughter. Her moods swung everywhere. Then Maura, with her faultless grooming and attire, although well-mannered, often came across as cold and detached; almost clinical in her approach to fixing their marriage. They were hardly ever forthcoming with any specific details about anything she asked them, hiding behind jokes and sarcasm or facts and statistics, but it got worse as the weeks wore on and less talking happened. It felt like drawing blood from a stone with a punctured straw._

_But then there were times when the sexual energy between them was as painfully palpable as their pig-headedness. There was just something about the way they looked at each other that belied a bond virtually unbreakable, infinitely unforgettable, but unfortunately, one that is now unwanted._

_Dr. Zoo quietly muses about what they must have been like together before whatever happened happened, taking another sip of intoxicating eggnog._

* * *

"_I'll have my lawyer contact yours," Maura declares once they've made it to the parking lot in silence._

_Jane is already opening the door to her Crown Vic when she halts to look up at her soon-to-be-ex-wife. She quickly looks away but forces a fake smile. "Then I'll have my lawyer check his tweets more often." Jane loves cracking jokes about Maura's lawyer's ridiculously young age, but these days it comes off less playful and more biting._

_Maura shoots her a glare over the top of Jane's car, but she doesn't say anything. She's cemented in her spot, wanting to say something, anything, but nothing feels important enough to mention. She's about to turn and open her own car's door when Jane speaks._

"_I, uh," Jane struggles to find a way to broach the subject, knowing very well Maura will put two and two together. Though she truly wishes it hadn't come down to this. Maura's heart pounds against her chest in anticipation. "I'm gonna go stay with Frankie for a while, in case anyone asks."_

_Maura's heart drops, but she doesn't let it show. _"_Oh. Of course," she says, "I'll inform your mother."_

_They were saying things without the words, conversing in code. Maura knows that the only reason Jane would choose her brother's lumpy old couch over their guest bedroom is if Jane is planning on drinking. Heavily. Jane hates for her family to see her in that state, and besides Maura, Frankie's the only one who can handle her when she's in it, so 'informing Angela' means that Maura has to try and keep Jane's Ma away from her for a little while._

"_Y'know, if it ever comes down to it, you can have her in the settlement." Jane smiles humorlessly. These days, even cracking a joke felt like pulling shark teeth with chopsticks._

_Maura's heart breaks a little more. She misses laughing with this woman. It's been so long. She can feel her amygdala and lachrymal glands beginning to conspire mercilessly against her._

"_Will you be home for Christmas?" she asks, almost hopefully.  
_

_The kids. They both know that sooner or later they will have to tell them about the separation, but it's going to be the hardest part._

"_I promised the kids I'd take 'em ice-skating, so uh..." Jane drums her fingers on the top of her cruiser in thought, "I guess I'll just pick 'em up whenever they're ready?" she shrugs.  
_

Maura nods. "_Be safe, Jane," she says in a thankfully unwavering voice, turning and opening her door._

_Jane snorts mirthlessly. Is this really what they've become? Another notch on the divorce post? Another 51% statistic? She would die for this woman, kill for her. She **has**. When did love stop being enough? Or was it too much, she didn't know anymore. This whole situation is just fucked beyond up. "Yeah, you too, Maur. See you in court." She quickly slams the door and speeds off._

_A minute passes as Maura fixes her eye make-up in the rear-view mirror. She takes a deep breath to steel herself before cautiously braving the icy, snowy Boston streets and driving off in the opposite direction._

* * *

"Janie?"

"Are you gonna let me in or what?" Not waiting for a reply, the decorated Homicide Detective invites herself in by walking past her brother into his apartment.

"Sorry, I just- wasn't expecting you. I kinda..."

Jane stops midway to the kitchen when she notices a heavily breathing young woman fussing over her clothes on Frankie's couch. Shit.

"Oh, hey," she greets awkwardly with a lopsided smile.

"Hi," waves the blonde sheepishly at Jane, unsure what to address her as.

"Oh jeez, Frankie. I'll come back another time. I didn't know you had company."

"No, stay. We were just watching the game."

Frankie quickly clicks to the relevant channel, bless his heart. Jane smiles at his attempt at subtlety.

"Nah, it's okay. I'll come back later," she says already walking back towards the door.

Then _blondie_ pipes up. "Frankie, she brought booze. She stays."

He smiles at the woman and grins at Jane. "See? It's unanimous."

Then the TV catches everyone's attention. Something baseball-related is happening. Yay!

"Oh! D'you see that, Frankie?" exclaims Jane, rushing over to the couch to catch the replay. I think that means she's staying.

As the game progresses, so does the alcohol consumption. Jane had brought with her a lot of beer and some harder liquor too. Frankie hasn't seen his supermom family-woman sister this drunk since before the 21st century.

"What are we celebrating anyway?" he asks, finishing off his third beer.

"Singledom," salutes Jane distractedly, then she chuckles, "Not that _you_ two would understand."

"We're not dating," Frankie is quick to say, although his eyes dart to _Elisa_ nervously, who quirks an eyebrow, "not officially, yet. But anyway, what would **you** know? You haven't been single in, what, 100 years?"

"Thirteen actually," she corrects keeping her eyes on the modest-sized TV screen.

Elisa gives an 'aww' before giving Frankie a pointed look.

Ignoring it, Frankie pats Jane on her back, proud of his sister. "Yeah, going on fourteen."

Jane scoffs. "Going on divorce."

Frankie and Elisa go quiet.

"Uh... I should go." The blonde woman politely gets up to leave.

"No," whines Jane, "the game just got good."

"I just remembered I have to be somewhere, but it was great meeting you, Jane."

Jane rolls her eyes. "Look, I'm a detective. I know you have nowhere you have to be, but knock yourself out. More beer for us, right Frankie?"

Ignoring his sister, Frankie walks his not-yet-girlfriend out, promising to discuss their relationship status _later_, and thanking her for being so cool. She pecks him on the cheek and makes her way to her apartment two floors up.

"Okay, so, mind starting from the beginning?"

He plops down next to Jane on the couch. Jane ignores him.

"I'm gonna grab another beer. Want one?"

Frankie ignores her.

"You and Maura are getting a divorce?"

Opening the fridge, "So, Elisa, huh? What's the deal with you two?"

"What's the deal with you and Maura? Is that why you're here? She kicked you out?"

Jane whirls around with murder in her eyes, pointing her unopened beer bottle menacingly at her brother.

"I'm here because I thought I could spend some time with my brother, not my mother's fucking clone!"

"Okay, okay. Jesus Jane."

Reigning herself in, Jane leaves the bottle on the counter and storms down the hallway. "I need to pee."

She shuts the bathroom door behind her and secures the lock.

Her eyes begin to sting and blur and her throat feels like there's a lump in it. She turns on the tap to drown out her quiet sobs, but the tears in her eyes don't fall until she's sitting on the closed toilet seat, alone.

She wipes her face with the back of her hand, but the sensation of cold metal draws her eyes to the ring on her left hand.

She takes it off and throws it across the room.

* * *

"_The thing about falling,_

_Is that at some point,_

_You hit the ground."_

- Hit The Ground, DESMOND & THE TUTUS

* * *

**A/N:** Sometimes the beginning is disguised as an end. Thanks for reading! Review if you have something to say.

**Irrelevant A/N:** Is there anyone in the world at all who doesn't like P!nk? Like, **actively** dislikes her. I can't imagine.


	2. Was It A Dream?

**2. Was It A Dream?**

* * *

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart_

_The waking up is the hardest part_

_You roll outta bed and down on your knees_

_And for a moment you can hardly breathe_

_Wondering, "Was she really here?_

_Is she standing in my room?"_

_No she's not_

_Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone..._

* * *

"_Ma-ma! Ma-ma! M_a-ma! Ma-ma!..."

The sound of chanting children slowly turns from a dream into reality. She furrows her brows and rolls over to face away from the noise. "Jane, they want you…" she mumbles groggily.

No answer.

"Baby..." she whines, blindly swiping her closest arm around her wife's side of the bed to shake her awake.

Nothing but cold sheets.

Could she have gotten up already?

_"I'm gonna go stay with Frankie for a while, in case anyone asks."_

The realization is like being dropped head-first into the Arctic Ocean with no clothes on. Your body freezes up and you can't breathe. The panic is almost paralyzing.

Maura jerks fully awake with a gasp.

Jane's really gone.

She wills the lump in her throat to disappear and tries to blink the tears away, but the cry pushes through her esophagus with or without her permission. Her eyes are still sore and red from the night before, but fresh tears burn a path down her face. Like the pain has reached its full volume and is now just leaking out of her.

_If Jane were here, she would pull me into her arms and make it all better. Or would she? No, things are better this way._

But there's no time for any of that right now because the kids are rioting downstairs and the clock on her nightstand tells her she's going to be late.

"Shoot!" she curses her own body for turning against her, wiping her cheeks and nose. She darts to the en-suite bathroom and splashes cold water on her face, but when the children give her a speechless open-mouthed look, she knows it didn't help at all.

She forces a smile but when she looks into two pairs of Jane's concerned eyes looking at her, she has to try even harder to keep it together.

"What's wrong, Mom?" It's Michael. He and his twin sister, Kat, are spitting images of Jane and Maura can't find it within herself to hold eye contact for much longer.

"Don't worry, sweetie." She ruffles his hair and gives them all a good morning kiss on the mouth.

"Where's Mama?" asks little Abby, missing her two front teeth. "I wanna piggy!" she exclaims excitedly, clapping her hands.

Maura's heart breaks and melts at the same time. If Jane were here, she would be making the kids breakfast and telling them silly jokes just to get them in a good mood for school. She always knows how to run a tight ship with the morning routine and still get them excited. Or at least she used to.

Maura places another kiss atop her last-born's soft sun-kissed curls. "Mama had to go, baby," she says, "But she's taking you all ice-skating soon, remember? Isn't that exciting?"

The three-year old squeals and says, "Yay! Ice skating!" with a bit of a lisp.

Angela comes in through the back door just as she's about to ask what they want for breakfast.

"Good morning everyone," she greets.

"Good morning, Nonna!" says the choir of third generation Rizzolis.

"Good morning, Angela." Maura doesn't face her as she says this, but the pause in Angela's response lets her know she can sense something is wrong.

"Such polite kids," gushes the older Mrs. Rizzoli, "How about some bunny pancakes to reward such good behavior?"

They all agree whole-heartedly, directing hopeful glances at their mother, knowing she prefers to feed them extremely healthy stuff.

"Yes, of course. Just not too much syrup this time," Maura manages to get out, surprised her voice isn't breaking up.

The kids laugh and playfully tease Todd for creating such a mess last time. The boy loves him some maple syrup.

"Bunny pancakes, coming right up!"

When Maura feels a warm hand clutch her shoulder, she covers it and squeezes as a silent thank you.

"Go get ready for work. I'll handle the kids."

There's a moment of hesitation before she nods and goes back upstairs.

* * *

_A few months earlier..._

"_Mm… someone's up already, I see," moans her wife as Jane peppers light kisses on every inch of exposed skin she can reach without removing her arms from around a narrow waist._

"_I'm sorry," whispers Jane, placing a delicate kiss over a tender spot on her shoulder. Maura sighs and leans back into her wife's embrace, wordlessly forgiving her. And silently hoping it's the last time she ever has to._

* * *

When she finally regains full consciousness, she has a hand around Frankie's throat and the other holding a gun up to his head. The realization is like she's just been tackled by a line-backer thrice her size. She immediately lets go of him and stumbles backwards in shock and confusion, landing on her backside.

Pushing with bare his feet to get away from her, Frankie coughs and gasps red-faced. He's just as shocked and confused, more than he is angry. Especially when Jane starts mumbling every swear word under the Sun under her breath.

She doesn't realize until she tries to grab at her hair that her gun is still clasped in her hand. She stares at it like she's never seen anything like it before. Like she hasn't had it strapped to her hip every day for the past couple of decades.

The safety is off.

A few feet away, Frankie watches his sister with his hand rubbing at his bruising neck. Watching her inspect the cold, black object and then calmly take it apart, piece by piece.

"Ja-" he croaks, starting another coughing fit. He clears his throat and tries again. "J- Janie?"

She looks up briefly with blank eyes, but can't focus for long when she notices her hands are shaking as she places each part of her gun on the floor. "I took the ammo out last night, so…" Her voice is charred and smoked from lack of use and the early hour, but she manages to keep it even. She can't bring herself to say he wasn't in any real danger though, because the sad and maddening truth is that he absolutely was.

"Janie?"

"Yeah, Frankie?" Her eyes stay down.

He swallows painfully, not really sure if he wanted to ask her something, but Jane understands at once that he just wants to check if she's herself again.

"It's okay, it's me."

"What the Hell just happened?"

"I shouldn't have come here. I should've gone to a hotel or something."

"You freaked out at me for no reason. I was just getting ready for my shift and you came outta nowhere."

Jane sighs, eyes still on the floor. "I'm sorry, Frankie," she says.

Even though she doesn't remember a thing.

* * *

_Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?_

_Would you get them if I did?_

_No you won't_

_Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone..._

- Dreaming With a Broken Heart, JOHN MAYER

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks for reading.


	3. My Bitter Half

**3. My Bitter Half**

* * *

Divorce is a fire exit. When a house is burning, it doesn't matter who set the fire. If there is no fire exit, everyone in the house will be burned!

–_Mehmet Murat ildan_

* * *

Tis the season to be… gloomy.

Stacks upon stacks of paperwork sit on Jane's desk while she contemplates murdering someone _herself_ if it'll mean she gets to go out and solve it. Anything to get out of this tackily decorated BPD bullpen with the smell of bad coffee and her Ma's beloved Christmas cookies melding and wafting in the air.

Her phone buzzes away once more. _Theo Montoya_. She ignores it.

Mind-numbing boredom is leaving her stuck in her head, which is a hazardous hollow home for chaos these days. With a minute tilt of her head, she notices one of the picture frames on her desk laying face down. The past pushes her thoughts to start a marathon pace towards Maura but she lets the present reality trip them over and they collapse just ahead of the finish line.

Before she can space out again, the female detective decidedly abandons her pen.

"I'm gonna get some air," she announces as she gets up and dons her blazer. It may be warm inside despite all these cold cases, but outside, Hell has frozen over.

"Tell the Doc we say Hello," quips Frost and Korsak joins in with a throaty snicker.

They're oblivious, not noticing when Jane pauses for a moment, before continuing to gather her wallet, phone and keys. They do, however, take heed of her silence, sharing a look.

She walks out.

It isn't until she's already waiting with her hands clasped in the moving elevator that Jane realizes she pressed the button to the morgue on autopilot. She quickly presses the button for the ground floor, shaking her head.

* * *

"_How about… this one?"_

"_Maur," whines the new detective, "This isn't for one of your mother's installments. And I don't have enough space for all of these. There's barely enough for all the paperwork we get saddled with!"_

"_Don't be silly, Jane. We'll narrow them down once we've gone through every one of them."_

_The impatient one groans. "Jesus, woman. If you were this indecisive when I proposed to you, I'd probably still be on one knee outside Fenway."_

_Maura giggles at her partner's tendency to hyperbolize and smiles fondly at the memory. "That decision was already made long before you proposed. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you the moment you entered it." She lets the sincerity of her words sink in before continuing, "And you're exaggerating!"_

"_I'm ex-" Jane rolls her eyes, "How am __**I**__ the one exaggerating when __**you're**__ browsing all these scrap books like some Simon Cowell of desk pictures? No one will even see it but me."_

"_Exactly! I want a picture that captures our dynamic and our love and happiness so that every time you see it, you… remember…" Maura's voice tapers off as she flips through more pictures, searching for that right one._

_Jane sighs, finally understanding the importance of this simple thing. She wraps an arm around Maura's shoulder and pulls her close to kiss her temple. She whispers, "Babe, c'mon. Of course I know what I have to come home to."_

"_It never hurts to have a reminder." Maura shrugs meekly, smiling up at her._

_Jane rubs her arm and nods. "You're right. Pick whichever one you want. I'll even take a whole scrap book and leaf through it every single day if you like. But just so you know, no matter what, I'll always come home." She presses her lips against Maura's cheek. "To you. You __**are**__ home."_

* * *

It's a little after lunch and there's someone walking over to her desk. He's wearing a brown trench coat over a tall, bulky frame advancing with a resolute gait.

She gets back to her work, not in the mood.

"Are you Detective Jane Rizzoli?" His voice is like sandpaper to her ears, but she doesn't look up.

"I think she's in the bathroom," she says before looking earnestly up at him. "Wanna leave a message?"

"No, thank you. I'll go wait over there."

Frost rolls his eyes and gets up to go stop the guy, before pointing to Jane. The man clears his throat and walks back to her desk with an annoyed but still determined look.

"Sorry," Jane says contritely. "Sometimes I forget not everyone's a detective. Or appreciates sarcasm."

"Detective Rizzoli," he declares pulling a large, thick manila envelope from his coat, "You've been served."

He flashes an audacious smile before turning on his heel and walking back out.

"Thanks, asshole," mutters Jane under her breath before she goes about her business.

Frost and Korsak share an odd look.

"What was _that_ about?"

"None of your business."

Frost snorts. "_Some_one's cranky."

"I'm guessing you're in the dog house again," interjects Korsak.

"Explains the crankiness. Y'know, sleeping on the couch can do that to someone."

They continue to laugh but she doesn't acknowledge them at all. Not even with a nasty insult about Korsak's track record with divorcing women, or Frost's lonely bachelor lifestyle. After a minute, they become concerned.

"You okay, Jane?"

"Drop it."

And they drop it. For about five minutes.

"So, Jane, d'you-"

"What?!"

The outburst gets the bullpen's attention.

"Jeez," Korsak puts his hands up in surrender, "I was just gonna ask if you wanna join us at the Robber after work. _So_-rry."

She sighs.

"I wouldn't be much for company anyway."

"It might help take your mind off whatever's going on with you," he shrugs.

She contemplates the wisedom of consuming alcohol two nights in a row. Then Lieutenant Cavanaugh storms in.

"Rizzoli! There's a triple homicide with your name on it. Dispatch'll probably call you any minute now, so might as well get going."

"Yessir! Let's go guys."

Today it doesn't cross her mind that her excitement is directly proportional to someone's death. She just wants to get the fuck out of there.

Just when they reach the elevator, Jane sees Maura inside carrying a duffel bag in her hand and her phone in the other.

Jane's phone vibrates.

"Rizzoli."

The word echoes in and around the space as both women answer their phones with the same name.

Frost and Korsak enter the metal cage. Jane heads for the stairs instead.

* * *

The Division One café is quieting down but there's still plenty to do for Ma Rizzoli as she wipes the counter. All is forgotten when her eldest son walks up wearing a turtleneck, which is appropriate for this weather, but it's not usually his style.

"Ma, have you seen Janie?"

"No," she shakes her head. "How is she coping?"

Lowering his voice, "She's not, Ma. This… thing with Maura. It's hitting her pretty hard, and she's not even really dealing with it."

"I'll go talk to her," she nods to herself, a look of concern etched deeply on her beautifully ageing face.

"I doubt you'll get anything out of her except a screaming match, but go ahead," shrugs Frankie.

"Well, she's gotta talk about it to _some_body. Who better than her own mother?"

Frankie sighs and pulls out a business card from his pocket.

"I found this on the couch."

_Dr. Zooey Zoolander_

_Marriage Counselor_

Angela gasps, "They've been seeing a therapist?"

"I dunno, but I think so."

"Frankie, how could we not know? How did they keep it from us? From _**me**_?"

"I dunno, Ma. All I know is that I never thought that of all people, _they_ would get a divor-"

"Mind speaking a little louder? I don't think everyone can hear you."

"Janie." They both say in unison.

"Triple homicide. You in?" asks Detective Jane Rizzoli without stopping for an answer.

Frankie isn't sure if it's nepotism or Jane's version of an apology for what happened that morning, but there's no way he's saying no.

"Wait up."

"Be safe!" Angela calls after them. No answer.

* * *

"I almost didn't think you'd come to work in your state."

Jane's driving silently, head already in the game. "The state of Massachusetts is all _for_ working women, Frankie."

"You know what I mean."

"Maybe you should spell it out."

"You need to take it easy. You work too hard and you don't rest enough."

"So, what do you suggest I do all day? Crossword puzzles? Knit some hats and scarves? Browse through your porn collection?"

"You're not angry at **me**, Janie. So don't punish me for caring about you. I just think from what I saw this morning, you're not, uh…"

"There are a lot of things I'm **not**, Frank, and skipping out on work to process my feelings is one of them. I'm sorry I freaked out this morning but when I'm working, I don't wanna worry about shit from home, caspisce?"

"Capisce."

* * *

"You got anything?"

Maura's shoulders tensed even before she heard her voice, knowing Jane's footsteps anywhere. They didn't get a chance to talk at the crime scene, mostly because Jane was actively avoiding her, but also due to the fact that the detective took off after an 'innocent-till-proven-otherwise' bystander because he looked 'suspicious'.

"Sit," she says simply enough, already retrieving her first aid kit.

"I'm fine," says Jane, though she sits anyway.

For a few minutes, Maura's passive aggressive silence fills the room alongside Jane's hisses and whimpers.

"You wouldn't return his calls," she says finally. "So he sent a messenger."

Maura's lawyer, the young, talented and very aggressive Theo Montoya, has been calling Jane all morning. Jane has been playing deaf.

She snorts. "I didn't shoot the messenger if that's what you're wondering."

Maura tightens the bandage a little more than necessary. Jane winces, getting the message. Jokes aside.

She rolls her eyes mirthlessly. "Okay, I'm sorry. Whatever I did, I apologize. I'll probably do it again though if you don't tell me what I did."

"It's fine."

"Clearly it isn't. You have something on your mind, let it out."

"It's fine!" Maura doesn't raise her voice by much, but the volume of the antagonism in her eyes is like a gunshot. Jane hasn't seen her wife this riled in a long time, and it's almost a shock to her system. Almost because she's too stubborn to flinch. "It's okay if you don't give a damn what it does to me. Clearly it doesn't matter because you're still doing it!"

"Doing what?"

"Trying to get yourself killed! You're reckless, Jane. Even for _**you**_."

"Oh, and what's that supposed to-"

"It's supposed to mean stop putting your life in danger unnecessarily! I know this isn't some mid-life crisis, but the truth remains that you aren't twenty anymore! You can't just chase possible suspects at a whim without informing anyone or waiting for back-up. You of all people should know that!"

Jane tenses her jaw and puts her hands in a fist. Her eyes immediately go to the scar on Maura's neck. Maura catches herself, knowing where Jane's mind just went. Hoyt.

"What I mean is…" She sighs, gathering her thoughts. "You have responsibilities. Maybe not to me anymore, and that's okay if you don't care that I worry-"

Jane shakes her head about to interject, but Maura doesn't give her the chance.

"-it's **fine**, Jane. I get it. Our marriage is over... But our children still need you. Alive."

Jane narrows her eyes and stands to leave. "I'm trying to protect them."

"From what?"

"From what? From the world!"

Maura lifts and drops her hands in defeat, as if to say that Jane is being ridiculous. She turns around before hearing Jane's last words.

"From me!"

Maura turns around and moves to touch Jane. Jane doesn't move but the way she says, "Don't," stops her like a brick wall.

The sound of a metal object falling on the concrete doesn't get a chance to ring out before Jane has her gun trained on a nervous lab tech who accidentally bumped it entering the morgue. He drops the files in his hands and puts his hands up in terror.

Maura gasps and covers her mouth in shock at the speed potential threat of Jane's movements.

"Shit. You scared me." Remorse immediately floods Jane's face, which softens as she sighs and replaces her weapon in its rightful place. She storms out, mumbling a quick "Sorry."

Maura shakes her head, wondering who will protect Jane. From herself.

* * *

_I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back_

_The less I give, the more I get back_

_Your hands can heal, your hands can bruise_

_I don't have a choice, but I still choose you_

_I don't love you, but I always will_

_I always will_

- Poison & Wine, THE CIVIL WARS

* * *

**A/N:** _Italics_ mean flashbacks. If they're from months or years ago, I won't say so because the exact time isn't too important to me. If it's a recent flashback from up to a week ago, I shall say so. _Thanks for reading._


	4. Family Portrait

**4. Family Portrait**

* * *

Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce."

–_Jennifer Weiner, Fly Away Home_

* * *

She knocks on the open door and enters at his silent gesture.

He sighs as she takes a seat. "Do you know why I called you in here, Rizzoli?"

"No, Sir."

"Not even an idea?"

She clears her throat and waves her hand dismissively, "It might have something to do with what happened today."

The lieutenant gives his subordinate a hard look for several seconds while clutching his hands on his table. She knows she's supposed to be afraid or even a little anxious, but it's just not happening.

He slides a stapled document in an open manila folder across the desk in front of her. She glances down and sighs in instant anger, flaring her nostrils.

"You have two choices, Rizzoli. You either sign this, or hand in your letter of resignation."

"With all due respect, Sir, this is bullshit," she spits out.

"With all due respect, _Detective_, your opinion doesn't matter."

"I'm in the middle of a case!"

"Not anymore," he says simply with the slight shake of his head.

"Because of one mistake?"

"This is your **second** strike this month alone. I'm doing you a favor here. You should be kissing my ass, instead you're biting my head off." He loosens his tie, indignant. He points to the top page. "This will do you good. You need to just slow the fuck down… Take the family on vacation. Or have a second honeymoon with your lovely wife. You deserve it."

Jane slams her hand on the table hard.

"Please don't do this, Cavanaugh."

"My hands are tied here."

"This job is all I'm good at. You can't take that away from me. Not even for a month."

"You're not married to your job, Rizzoli. You made a commitment to your wife and kids. Go honor it."

"We're getting a divorce."

Surprise doesn't exactly register on his face as he smoothes out his tie and sits back in his chair. Jane runs her fingers through her hair, finally feeling the anxiety.

He shrugs sympathetically, "Sorry to hear that."

She closes the folder in front of her. He opens it back up.

"All the more reason you need a break."

She darts her eyes back up to him.

"Don't fight me on this. Your heart may be in the right place, but your head's somewhere else and you know it. Take this time to get all your ducks in a row."

* * *

"Hey, Doc."

She looks up from the stomach contents she's been observing for far too long.

"Frankie. How are you?"

He steps closer to her, scratching at his neck. "I'm fine. You?"

For a moment she wonders if he knows. Of course he knows; he's never down here. "Don't worry about me, Frankie."

"Well y'know, family worries," he shrugs with a kind smile.

Maura's heart breaks and melts.

"And I don't just mean because you're married to my sister. You'll always be family, no matter what."

"Thank you, Frankie. That means a lot to me."

"But you gotta know… Jane's taking it pretty hard too. I dunno what happened between you two, but is it really so bad?"

"It would appear so."

"She had a nightmare last night."

Panic flitters across her face momentarily. "Are- are you okay?"

"Me? I mean, yeah." He scratches his neck again and inadvertently reveals the bruises under his turtle neck.

Maura sighs and points to them. "May I take a look?"

He nods. Much more compliant than his sister. "How much did she drink?"

"Remember your 23rd birthday party?"

"Vaguely," she manages a smile before sighing sadly and shaking her head. "That's a lot of alcohol. I'm sorry, Frankie. I should've warned you."

"You mean…"

"She's having nightmares again, but it's worse this time. They're more… vivid."

"You mean she was sleep-walking?" Maura nods. "Has she ever…"

"It's worse when she drinks."

"But has she ever hurt you, or the kids?"

"No. She would never lay a hand on them. Or me, in her right mind. She even started sleeping in the guest room to be safe. She-" her breath hitches but she catches herself, "she takes out all the bullets in her gun before falling asleep, sometimes even disassembles it."

"I had no idea things were so crazy. I mean, I thought after killing… that monster, she'd be happier. More laid-back."

"I don't think it's sunk in yet. That he's gone. That we're safe now."

"But it will, right?" Frankie waits for her to look him in the eye again. "Won't the nightmares stop? I mean, is it really necessary to separate?"

"Jane and I…" she struggles to find the words to explain that things are a little more complex, and Suzie appears.

"Dr. Rizzoli? The tox screen results are in."

"Thank you." She gives them a once-over and turns back to her brother-in-law. "Frankie, I'll see you at Sunday dinner, alright?"

"Sure, Maura."

"Oh, and here." She hands him a duffel bag. "She didn't take anything with her."

"I'll make sure she gets it."

* * *

_Jane stumbles upstairs and enters the master bedroom with a soft burp to announce her presence. She unbuckles her belt and removes her shirt while kicking her work boots off, leaving her in her tank top and boy shorts, before she slips into bed beside her wife. She spoons her from behind and wraps her arm around Maura._

_Maura tenses at the faint smell of alcohol disguised with breath mints. A pair of chapped lips ghost over her skin and Jane presses herself into her back, hand tracing circles over her silk-clad stomach._

"_Jane, I'm tired."_

"_You shhhure?" husks the drunk detective as she starts trailing sloppy kisses on her wife's shoulder and trailing her hand higher. "Cause I was thinkin…"_

"_Just because I didn't feel the need to go out and get drunk tonight doesn't mean I didn't have a long day, Jane." She freezes. "I worked all day just like you and then I had to make dinner and put all the kids to bed alone."_

_That was the first time Jane missed bed-time._

"_I'm sorry," she apologizes placing a final kiss on her wife's shoulder before rolling out of bed. "I'll go kiss them good-night."_

"_Jane, don't!" whispers Maura harshly. She doesn't want them waking up for no good reason._

"_Shh…" shushes Jane, tip-toe-ing out of the room, which is made easier with only socks on her feet._

_She goes into all their bedrooms and smiles fondly when she finds Todd sleeping with his glasses on _again_ with a book and a flashlight beside him on the bed. Jane carefully removes his glasses and turns the flashlight off, putting everything on his homework desk._

_Mike is on the top bunk looking a lot like a starfish or an octopus with his legs and arms hanging off the side awkwardly, so she just blows him a kiss as he snores away._

_Kat's room is the picture of organized chaos and Jane can't find her under the mess of dark curls so she just pulls her blanket a bit higher and turns the lamp off before turning the night-light on._

_When she gets to Abby's bed, she sees her clutching a drawing. Jane takes it gently and uncrumples it. It's an abstract picture of her with a gun and a badge._

_She sneaks out and stops by her bedroom to say, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't call. That I'm late, alright? Whatever it is, believe me, I'm sorry," then she goes to the living room._

_Jane ends up sleeping on the couch._

_Abby wakes her up the next morning._

"_Mama? Ma-ma…"_

"_Oh…" Jane stretches. "Mornin', Babbit."_

"_Why you not shleep with Mommy?"_

"_Uhm… Cause I snore, and it wakes Mommy."_

_Abby laughs and lets her mother lift her up onto her lap. "Like when unka Fankie shnore?"_

"_Oh no. Not that badly. He could wake all of Boston. Whataya want for breakfast?"_

_Up the stairs Kat, Mike and Todd give each other a look. They come down for breakfast._

"_My one friend said when his parents stopped sleeping in the same bed when they were getting a divorce," says Michael after a while._

"_What's a divorce?" squeaks Kat._

_Four pairs of eyes burn a hole through Jane's back and she busies herself at the stove to form an answer._

"_Uh… It's when, uhm… when two married people stop loving each other…"_

_Maura is standing in the doorway, watching silently. She's not angry at her wife anymore for last night, but she's curious about the unfolding of this particular life lesson being taught to their children. She never thought it would be something they would ever ask about, and she's silently glad that they will never have to understand it first-hand._

"_Oh no!" exclaims Abby._

_Jane finall y turns around and notices her wife leaning against the doorway. She winks at her before lightly pinching Abby's cheek. "But don't worry, me and Mommy will never stop loving each other."_

"_Promise?"_

_Jane answers the question but directs it towards her wife with a slightly solemn expression. "I promise."_

_Maura walks over to her and kisses her wife. "Forgiven."_

"_Yuck!" says Todd._

"_Ugh, I just lost my appetite," exclaims Michael._

_Kat just shrugs and grabs an apple._

_Abby jumps off her stool and lisps, "Me too I wan' a kish!"_

* * *

The Dirty Robber is abuzz with loud chatter and out-dated juke-box music. The sound is a bit muffled from outside, but she isn't sure she should go in just yet. Or at all.

A young cop walks out of the bar. "Officer Knox, you know who's patrolling Beacon Hill tonight?"

"I'll find out and let them know to check on your house."

"Thanks a lot," she says before entering the establishment and striding over to her friends and colleagues.

"Hey, boys!"

"You made it. Next round's on Frost so place your order now."

"Nah, _I'll_ take the next round."

"I won't say no. Welcome back, Rizzoli," smiles the youngest of the three.

They haven't hung out like this in a long time and the reprieve is much-needed. Jane gets them drink after drink but refrains from following suit as her mind dwells on her family.

"You gonna be watching the game this weekend?"

"We have a triple homicide on our hands. Of _course_ I'm watching the game. It's the only thing I have to look forward to."

"I haven't got much to look forward to either."

"Except your zoo of animals. But **you**, Jane, on the other hand… No wonder you've been nursing that beer all night. You have some make-up sex to stay sober for, don'tcha?"

"Promises to be a hell of a night if the hell of a day is any indication. Don't forget to stretch."

Jane scoffs. "My wife does yoga, but the only pose she's been doing these days is the corpse pose."

"C'mon now, don't bite the hand that… gets you off." Frost laughs at his own joke.

Jane waves them away. "Let's talk about something else."

"Like what? Our Christmas plans?" asks Korsak.

"How about we talk about what the Hell happened today at the crime scene?"

Saved by the bro.

"Janie. Maura gave me this. Maybe now you can stop stretching out my clothes," says Frankie, tired from his last shift.

"You two having a sleepover or what?" quips Korsak.

Jane sighs, her mind made up. "I'm gonna call it a night. See you later."

Jane leaves the half-empty beer bottle on the table, grabs her duffel bag and heads out. Frankie sits heavily in her place, and the remaining three men watch her go.

"So," starts the younger Rizzoli, "did she tell you?"

Korsak and Frost look at each other and make a silent agreement.

Korsak nods as he puts his beer to his lips as Frost says, "Oh, yeah. She did."

Frankie sighs in relief that he doesn't have to keep it a secret any longer. "Tell me, did you guys have any idea what was going on? Because it just seems out of left field to me. Even Ma didn't know."

"Well... Jane _has_ been acting up lately…" Frost speaks slowly to gauge if his responses are in the right vein and luckily Frankie takes the bait.

Korsak watches the young officer intently while sipping on his drink.

"I guess I just never thought that **they** of all people, you know?"

"Oh yeah. Trust me, I _know_."

"I kinda have a plan though."

Korsak and Frost look at each other and then back at Frankie. Frost leans in and asks, "A plan for what?"

Frankie raises an eyebrow and says, "Obviously to stop them from getting a divorce."

Frankie's eyes close reflexively as Korsak does a spit-take in his face.

"WHAT?!" shouts Frost not caring that the entire Robber can hear them. "A DIVORCE?!"

"Eww! Kors- wait, you didn't know? Oh… God. Janie's gonna KILL ME!"

"Not the best thing to shout in a bar full of cops," supplies a helpful Korsak after dabbing a napkin around his mouth and down his shirt.

"I need the bathroom," Frankie scoots out of the booth.

"Whatever the plan is, I'm in, man."

"Yeah-yeah, I'll fill you in when I get back."

Korsak shares a look of disbelief with Frost. Looks like divorce runs in the family.

* * *

The drive up is sobering and nerve-wracking. She can't not be here, but at the same time, she's dreading it.

Jane is putting her gun away when Maura finds her in the doorway of their house.

"Jane, what are you-"

"I, uh, came to tuck the kids in. Since I missed last night…" They usually stay up a little later on weekends.

"Mama!" Little Abby jumps out of Maura's arms to go hug her Mama.

Jane crouches down to welcome her with open arms and a delighted grin. "Hey, my little Babbit."

"Mama! There was a doggie on the boksh and the man go shay hey littol doggie but- and then he the doggie, Mama, he bit the- he throw the bone and she- he run away but the doggie…" babbles the three-year old, with animated hand gestures and sparkling hazel orbs and a few pauses for some breath.

Jane just _oohs_ and _ahs_ and _really?'s_ with great interest, not needing a translator to know her baby-girl is very excited about something she saw on the boksh, aka the TV. It could be a TV show, or it could be a commercial, Abby gets excited about everything.

Once she's done with her story, she smiles confidently and laughs at her own story and Jane melts at the sound. "Well then, sounds like you've had an exciting day."

When Jane feels two more pairs of arms wrap around her legs, she knows the twins have found her. She carefully squats down to give them both a peck on the mouth and a one-armed hug since Abby is feeling a little clingy tonight. "Hey Kat, Mouse. How was your day?"

"_Bore_-ing," says Michael with the tone and expression to match. He can be a bit of a drama king. "Can we just skip the one day we have left next week? It's ridonkulous."

"Sorry, kiddo. Wrong family. Rizzolis go to school every day so they can learn _real_ words."

"Whatever," he rolls his eyes.

"I like your, uh, make-up," compliments the detective with a smirk.

He rolls his eyes and clarifies. "It's a Dawn of the Dead sugar skull artwork design."

"As long as you're painting your face and not our walls, Mickey Mouse."

"I want to be called Michelangelo."

"Then you should call me Jay Rizzle."

Kat and Abby laugh at that and Mike cracks a smile at his silly mother.

"What about _you_, princess?" Jane turns her attention to her eight-year old tomboy, running a hand through her unruly Rizzoli hair.

For as much as she looks like her Ma, Kat sounds nothing like her. She could be one of the Jacksons. Kat just shrugs and smiles dimples at her mother. Jane smiles back with complete and utter adoration.

"Where's Toad?"

"He's… oh crap! We forgot!"

All three kids run upstairs without another word with Maura shouting after them, "Language, Michael! And don't run in the house you three."

Jane stands back up and frowns at the abrupt end of her quality time. She walks over to her wife with a question in the quirk of her brow.

"They were playing hide-and-seek."

"Ah," nods Jane.

A moment of awkward silence engulfs them before they decide to both start talking at the same time.

"I'll go first. I only had one beer. And chewed on some gum."

"Should I ready the guest room?"

They're interrupted when the awesome foursome comes back downstairs, Todd in tow.

"Ma! So nice of you to join us," he says hugging her excitedly. Even though he's clearly adopted, ginger ninja with ice-blue eyes, Todd is the most like Maura in his love for science and his quietude, although he's not as awkward as he used to be.

"Top of the evening to you, Sir. How was your day, champ?"

He shrugs, searching his memory bank for anything unusual. "Jason Fuller asked me how come I have two mommies."

The two adults share a look.

"Oh, and what did you say?"

Todd shrugs, "Just lucky, I guess."

Jane gives him a big sloppy kiss on the cheek and he wipes it off, saying "Yuck. Germs."

"Okay, everyone gather around." They all huddle around her. "As you all know, I'm a detective. Now, I received a very disturbing call about a disturbance of the air and I'm here to investigate."

"The air? How do you disturb the air?"

Jane squats once more with a stern look. "Time for a breathalyzer test…" She starts with the eldest, Kat, sniffing her breath. "Hm. Now I know what's for dinner… Okay, you need to lay off the syrup there, Toad… Uh-oh, we got ourselves a floater."

"What's that mean?" asks Mike.

"It means… I'll race you upstairs to the bathroom."

Without any further ado, Jane's long legs carry her to a ridiculous last place at the top of the stairs, and she huffs and puffs feigning fatigue for good measure.

"Mama is a slow-poke! Mama is a slow-poke!" chant the boys.

"Like Bash," quips Abby and they all burst into laughter as Jane hands out their toothbrushes.

"Okay, Sarah Silverman. Make fun of me. Karma is a… beach."

When everyone's brushed their teeth, Jane tells them to go downstairs but Abby hangs back. "What's up?"

"Mommy was shad you was gone. If you go kiss her, she will smile again."

Jane stops her cleaning around the bathroom to kiss her daughter on the top of her head. She lingers and breathes her in, knowing now is a bad time to explain why Mommy is sad and that Mama is the last person who can make it all better.

"Okay, I'll see what I can do. Now go join your brothers and sister. Movie night."

Downstairs, Jane cuddles Abby in her lap and Mike leans against her shoulder. Maura sits on the opposite end of the couch next to Kat, who likes to snuggle too, and Todd in the middle, face screwed up in concentration and scrutiny. Basically, they look like the family they've always been – _Jane and Maur Plus Four_.

Jane ends up staying for half a dinner and a movie. Luckily it's a movie they've all seen before because less than halfway through, Abby is babbling away sleepily which makes the others laugh. Jane winks at them because they know Abby sometimes talks in her sleep.

"Mama, are you a boy or a girl?"

"I'm a robot."

"How you catch the bad guy without Mommy?"

"Mommy wears high-heels. It's hard to run in those."

"Who does Bash live with in his shell?"

"His ash."

* * *

The door shutting closed startles Jane and Maura flinches having hoped to be stealthier.

"Sorry, I was giving the patrolling officers some hot cocoa."

"No, _I'm_ sorry, I… what time is it?" Jane asks feeling disoriented realizing she passed out on the couch. And now there's a blanket on her.

"It's late."

"Yeah, I should go."

"This is your home too, you should stay."

Jane stands up and wipes the sleep from her eyes, stretching.

Maura looks away and says, "They missed you."

_I miss you._

Jane sighs. "Yeah, me too."

_I miss you too._

"I told them you were out catching the bad guys."

Jane nods.

She knows she should probably go now, but Jane is cemented in her spot at the sight of Maura in her nightgown, barefoot. She looks so beautiful, but unhappy.

Jane steps a little closer to Maura and Maura gulps. Her hand lifts to caress Maura's cheek and Maura closes her eyes, but the touch never comes. Only the heat. Jane drops her hand. Then she kisses Maura's forehead. "I'm sorry you're sad."

When she looks down, Maura isn't smiling.

The magic is gone.

"You should stay."

_But I'm reckless._ "I'm on suspended leave."

_I asked the lieutenant to do it. _"Schools close on Tuesday. You should stay."

_I want to._ "I… I still love you."

Maura looks up. "You're the mother of my children," she says, "I'll always love you."

Jane stumbles backwards as if she'd just been slapped. _I love you as the mother of my kids_. That feels like the most awful demotion she could ever imagine. But then again, what was she expecting?

"Right. Stay for the kids," she mumbles.

"I was thinking we could make a formal announcement at Sunday dinner."

"Sure, whatever." She moves towards the entrance.

"Have you read the documents?"

"Uh… not yet," Jane clears her throat wishing the lump would go away. "I was saving them for some light reading before bed. I gotta go."

"You can't drive like this."

"Actually, I need to get my, uh, lucky red socks upstairs. I'll just be a minute."

"I put them in the overnight bag I sent with Frankie. I didn't know you'd be stopping by."

"Right. Of course you did. Well, uh, I guess I'll be going then."

"Good night, Jane."

"Just don't forget to lock up."

Jane walks down the steps and is covered in a thin layer of snowflakes by the time she gets into her car. She waves at the patrol car across the street before driving off.

* * *

"Thanks for coming at such short notice, Doc..."

She hiccups, giggling at the sudden sound. "Oh, excuse me. And it's really not a problem."

Noting her flustered appearance, Frankie eyes the older woman warily. He may have to do a breathalyzer test on her, just in case. It may be five o'clock somewhere else, but it's ten-thirty on a Saturday morning in Boston.

"We're all in the café, so follow me, Doc."

"Handsome young man like you? Call me Zooey."

Frankie smiles politely at the cougar and leads the way with some extra swagger.

* * *

_Sorry_

_Is all that you can say_

_Years gone by and still_

_Words don't come easily_

_Like sorry_

_Like forgive me_

_Like I love you_

- Baby Can I Hold You Tonight, TRACY CHAPMAN

* * *

**A/N: **Thanks for reading.


	5. Happy Wife, Happy Life

**5. Happy Wife, Happy Life**

* * *

Many married couples separate because they quarrel incessantly, but just as many separate because they were never honest enough or courageous enough to quarrel when they should have.

– _Sydney J. Harris_

* * *

_Frankie's couch sucks balls, _thinks Jane as she stretches her sore back and emits a long yawn. Not as comfy as the one she ran away from at midnight. She has a perpetual headache and can't remember whether Frankie has any Tylenol in the bathroom. As she slowly stands up to take in her surroundings, she realizes she's alone and it's almost midday.

Then she remembers why she woke up. The phone alarm is ringing. Funny, she doesn't remember setting it. When she finds her cell on the floor underneath the hand-me-down living room coffee table, she sees a hot-pink post-it note stuck on it.

_**Janie**_

_**Elisa's coming over today so do you mind clearing out for a bit?**_

_**And don't finish all the milk.**_

_**Love, Officer Rizzoli**_

She crumples it up with a good-natured eye-roll before throwing it backwards into the kitchen trashcan. The piece of trash skips over the edge and lands on the floor, rolling underneath the refrigerator.

"Fuck. At least _one_ of us is gonna score."

* * *

Angela knocks on the back-door before barging in anyway.

"Good morning, Maura," she greets quite chirpily.

"Morning, Angela," replies Maura with one hand holding her coffee and the other holding a newspaper. The house is quiet as the kids sleep in, but Maura couldn't stand being in bed any longer. Sleeping alone was bad enough with Jane still in the same house, but now it's just unbearable.

So she got up, showered and dressed up to read the week's worth of news she's missed. Nothing like the problems of the world to push out the problems of your life from your busy mind.

When Angela settles herself next to Maura, she can tell she has something on her mind.

"Yes, Angela?"

"I saw Janie's car last night."

Maura nods, flipping the page. "She came over last night. It was unexpected."

"Unexpected? She lives here too."

"You're right." She sighs. "You're right."

"So… how did it go?"

"How did what go?"

"Did you two sort out your fighting? Kiss and make up? Maybe have a grown-up sleepover?" Angela nudges Maura's shoulder hoping the universe has righted itself without any intervention.

"No, she had to leave."

"Oh," she says not being able to hide her disappointment. Time for intervention. "You going into work today?"

"I'm on-call but-"

And then her phone rings. Coincidence? "Dr. Riz-Rizzoli… What?... There must be a mistake… Okay, I'm on my way."

"Was that work?" asks Angela as Maura closes and folds the newspaper before putting her mug in the dishwasher.

"No," she says, "I mean, yes. There isn't a case, but apparently Dr. Pike has decided to wreak havoc on my morgue."

"Sounds like an emergency. I'll take care of the kids, you go." Angela speaks quickly leaving no room for protest should there be any, but Maura is too annoyed to be suspicious.

"Thank you, Angela. For everything."

"Good luck, sweetie."

When the door slams shut, Angela whips out her own phone and dials. After two rings, "Phase two complete," she whispers into the receiver.

"_Ma?"_

"Yes, it's me. Phase two-"

"_Why are you whispering? Is Maura still there?"_

"No, Frankie. I'm trying to tell you phase two is complete."

"_You mean she's on her way?"_

"What else would I mean?"

"_I dunno, you're the one who's acting like you're in some top secret mission. If she's on her way that's all you had to say."_

"Is this the thanks I get?"

"_Okay, sorry. Thanks, Ma. The guys and I will handle the rest."_

"Over and out."

Frankie hangs up.

* * *

"_Jane, all you ever say is sorry. Honestly, I'm getting tired of it." Her voice was void and level as she took her family heirloom pearl earrings off and put them back into her jewelry box. Her mother, Constance had handed them down to her on her wedding day as the something old, but that cherished moment was the last thing on her mind as Maura sat by her vanity, watching her wife take her boots off through the reflection on the mirror._

"_Well, what else do you want me to say?" shrugged Jane, all her energy drained. If she wasn't so worried about her own sanity, she may have tried to argue or beg. But instead she ran a shaking hand through her hair and started unbuttoning her work shirt._

_Maura quickly shook her head to herself. "Nothing. But I would greatly appreciate it if you would do what you promise every once in a while." She knew it was unfair but the words just tumbled out. It didn't help much that Jane hadn't said anything about the way she looked, or even glanced up._

"_I forgot, okay? I lost track of time…" She lost track of everything. One minute she was grabbing her keys to go get her son from his after-school club, the next she was standing in front of Hoyt's tombstone. The in-between was lost on her and the scary part is that it wasn't the first time something like that has happened. Little pockets of time here and there have escaped her, but she hasn't paid it much mind until now. "But I still made it to help out with bed-time. Cut me some slack."_

"_Slack?" Maura turned in her seat. "If the school hadn't called, Todd would still be out there waiting for you." Jane still apologizes to him about that. Forgetting to pick your adopted kid from school is not okay. Maura stands and swipes her hair over her shoulder before turning her back to Jane who wordlessly stands to unzip her. "But although that is the worst of it, it isn't what I'm talking about. You also forgot to ask Angela to baby-sit. It's date night."_

_The dress fell to the ground and neither paid it any mind as Jane's eyes shot up to meet Maura's in the mirror._

"_Shit. I'm so-"_

_Maura's hand halted her speech. "Stop. If that's all you have to say then I'd prefer we just stop talking."_

_Maura placed her palm on her forehead and sighed, suddenly feeling ten times more tired. They'd had this conversation before about smaller things, but somehow the current culmination of circumstances seemed to warrant more quarreling and she just couldn't find it within herself to raise her voice at the risk of waking or scaring the children._

_The medical examiner let out a shuddering breath when a pair of calloused hands lay on her stomach, pressing her back against Jane's half-naked front. The skin-on-skin contact was jarring, familiar but foreign, because Jane hadn't held her that close in weeks, which feels eternal to a woman who had been spoiled with such intimate contact since they first consummated their relationship._

"_Okay," said Jane into her ear before placing a delicate kiss on Maura's exposed neck._

"_Jane," warned Maura when she felt those hands travel up her sides to her back, unclasping her bra._

"_Shh…" Jane continued to caress her skin with her lips and her hands, working her way down Maura's back, kissing all the way down her spine to the small of her back while Maura gripped the vanity in front of her. Jane's breath felt hot and her touches left goosebumps in their wake and it didn't help that she wasn't wearing any underwear. She wanted to want Jane to stop and for them to have a meaningful talk, but her body was reacting of its own accord, humming._

_Jane turned her around and slowly kissed her way back up her wife's body, peppering open-mouthed kisses from the short patch of coarse hair, over her trembling stomach, up in-between her breasts, over her collar to her neck and the side of her jaw as her hands lightly gripped Maura's ass._

_The next time Maura called out Jane's name, it was a plea, and Jane's instincts took over._

_Jane shut her up with the force of her kiss, lifting Maura up to wrap around her hips and walking her over to the bed._

_The detective threw her wife onto the bed and she landed just below the pillows, but immediately her neck was covered by Jane's mouth, their bodies fully touching._

_Jane's movements were rushed as she sucked and licked until a moan dripped out of Maura's mouth when she felt teeth graze her skin. Hands squeezed her breasts while hips ground into her center in circular motions._

_A gasp and Maura's strong legs hooking around Jane's own tensing thighs let Jane know that tonight was not for gentle touches and sweet nothings. And to punctuate that point, Maura's hands slipped into her hair, pulling her mouth against her chest._

_Jane released Maura's breasts and grabbed her wrists, pushing them above Maura's head with a swiftness that took Maura by surprise. She hovered over her for a few moments, taking in the sight of her beautiful naked wife, all flushed skin and heaving chest._

_When Maura craned her neck up to meet her lips, Jane used one hand to keep Maura's arms restrained while the other pushed Maura back down into the mattress by her neck to get the message across._

_Stay._

_Stay down._

_Stay still._

_Stay with me._

_Her scarred hand could feel the long-ago healed scar on Maura's neck and Jane faltered. She needed this. The control. Today was a major fuck-up and she hates losing her bearings like that._

_When Maura didn't move, she took it as consent and kissed her lover with all the passion she possessed, possessing her._

_Maura writhed in pleasure, reveling in the sensation and freedom of giving into Jane and letting her have all control. The give and take in their sexual relationship was always mostly equal, with Jane usually treating__ her like a china doll most times, but this? This primal domination was exactly what she thought she needed. She'd been so dormant lately; stuck. Maura needed to feel alive and present. She was tired of always being careful to stay intact and compartmentalizing the shit out of everything. She needed to burst, and Jane could do that for her. Only Jane could break her._

_Jane's hand crept down to pinch a nipple and Maura positively squealed. Jane reflexively darted her eyes over to the door very briefly before covering Maura's mouth with the other hand and continuing her assault. But Maura kept moaning and writhing and eventually bit Jane's palm when a particularly hard tweak stung her nipple. _

_Truth be told, Jane didn't really want her to keep quiet. If the kids weren't right down the hall...  
_

"_Turn over," she ordered getting off of Maura._

_Maura asked no questions and did as she was told while Jane locked the door and went into the closet for a minute. The bed dipped and Maura felt Jane's calloused hands grip her hips, pulling her into a kneeling position as she settled herself behind her. Without the distraction of Maura's scar, Jane could focus on the moment and that husky voice that sent chills up her spine rumbled into Maura's ear, "Bite on the pillow."_

_Maura buried her face into the pillow and screamed as Jane hammered her toy into her without any preamble. As wet as she was, the power behind those narrow hips never ceased to surprise her. _

_Jane was in her element, in the zone, and oh-so-present. The burn in her muscles didn't compare to the intensity of being unleashed. When Maura hung onto the headboard to anchor herself Jane pulled them off so it would stop smacking against the wall. She intertwined them with her hands, holding Maura down while her hips relentlessly thrust into her, hard and fast. The bed rocked with them to add to the muffled sounds of sex filling the room._

_And then a shadow…_

_It was just a shadow, but Jane had to make sure. Her hips slowed as she kept her trained eye trained on the shadowy figures by the window. Running on adrenaline, she leaned over to __quietly __grab her spare gun in the night-stand drawer while her other hand stayed on the small of Maura's back._

_Unpleasant images flashed before her eyes and Jane desperately shook them out of her head. Not again. No, it's just a shadow. Focus.  
_

_She forced her eyes back to the woman in front of her who had taken up to start pushing backwards, impaling herself against Jane. She was close and Jane could tell, so she put her gun back and started moving her hips again, changing her angle to hit the right spot._

_But now there was a disconnect. They could have been any two strangers at that moment, scratching an itch._

_Maura screamed into the pillow with her hands fisted in the sheets as she came undone._

_Nothing else existed for her. Except the life coursing through her veins and the feel of Jane's lips on her shoulder, Jane's hard nipples dragging across her back. She went completely blank for a moment._

_Jane slowed down after letting her wife ride it out, but then Maura said, "Don't stop."_

_At that moment Jane realized there was no way it could be anyone but Maura. Even though she couldn't see her face, Maura knew Jane was still on-edge. She could feel it in the ripple of her muscles and the slight jerk of her hips as she forced herself to slow. This woman knew her well. The least selfish person she knows. God, she loves her.  
_

_Jane kept the slow pace until Maura was moaning again. She leaned on her forearms, pumping in short, quick thrusts. She was almost there._

_They climaxed together this time and after countless spasms shook them to their cores, Jane collapsed, physically and mentally spent. She pulled out of Maura as she rolled over and Maura rolled over too, facing the ceiling with eyes shut. They breathed heavily, letting their skin cool and willing the world to come back into focus._

_Then, feeling overwhelmed, Maura started crying. Jane didn't ask questions, she just pulled her wife into her arms and held her._

_No words were needed to know they both shared the same fear; losing each other and themselves._

_Jane held her all night and Maura woke up the next morning still safely in her arms._

"_Mm… someone's up already, I see," she moaned as Jane peppered light kisses on every inch of exposed skin she could reach without removing her arms from around a narrow waist._

_"I love you... I'm sorry," whispered Jane, placing a delicate kiss over a tender spot on her shoulder where Jane had bitten into her. She was sorry she hurt her, but for everything else that led up to last night's climax._

_Maura sighed and leaned back into her wife's embrace, wordlessly forgiving her for everything that has been going on lately. And silently hoping it was the last time she ever had to._

_"I love you too... I think we should see a therapist."_

* * *

When Jane gets to her desk at work, she regrets it. She had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do, so she decided to go pretend to clear her desk as a cover to spy on the current investigation's progress.

Then she sees the manila envelope still waiting for her. The divorce papers.

"Jane, we need you in the interrogation room."

"What?"

"C'mon," says an impatient Korsak.

"Didn't Cavanaugh tell you?"

"Suspended leave, I know. But this suspect specifically asked for you. She won't talk unless it's you."

"She?" asks Jane already following her ex-partner. At least she has something to keep herself occupied. Something to keep her mind off everything and everyone, if she can help it.

Little does she know that her Saturday is about to get very long and uncomfortable.

* * *

_Tell me somethin', give me hope for the night_

_We don't know how we feel_

_We're just prayin' that we're doin' this right_

_Though that's not the way it seems_

_Summer gone, now winter's on its way_

_I will miss the days we had_

- Winter Song, THE HEAD & THE HEART

* * *

**A/N:** _Thanks for reading. _I beg your patience.


End file.
